Good Advice

I'm a big fan of solicited advice :-)  I'm even good with unsolicited advice, so long as you have no investment in me taking said advice.  In fact, I'm a seeker of advice.  I'm always reading articles and watching reports to keep me in the know.  Also, I'm a big believer in sharing our stories.  Women in particular benefit so much from hearing other women's stories.  Health is an area in which I am most adamant about this.  So many women suffer from various fertility and health issues, believing that they are alone and in some cases that they should be ashamed.  But once you get woman talking you'll find out just how many of us have gone through the same things and have great advice to offer.

So in my mind a good friend is loyal, and supporting and blah, blah blah.  A good friend will share what is actually going on (not the Facebook version of life) and will be available to listen and offer "helpful" advice (not just yeah girl).

Over the last few weeks, I received two pieces of great advice from spectacular women:

#1 Date Night is a Must
I didn't say it was rocket science.  But good advice from a good friend is often easier to follow than something you read in every magazine article on relationships.  In my case, I was burnt out.  Making the adjustment to hubby working outside the house for the first time ever and the impact that had on my daily responsibilities (more kid shuttling, errand running, and getting more work done in less time) was wearing me out.  Duckie was more than a little unhappy about the change and Hubby wasn't thrilled either. So we were all in a snit.  My friend and neighbor reminded me of the importance of date night.  On the surface it didn't seem like something we needed.  We spend an hour or two on the couch each night watching a show and winding down.  But that's no fun.  We used to have fun.  We used to go out and enjoy food, shows. dancing and you know, people.  Then we got cheap and lazy.  We didn't want to pay for a babysitter and a meal.  Then we just forgot. We forgot that dates nights were a thing.

Well we've taken that advice and been on three dates in the last 3 weeks.  And we are having so much fun!  While we may not be able to keep up that pace, we have been reminded that having time carved out for enjoyment as a couple, makes us a better couple.  So now take my advice and get out there.  Even if you only go to the Fro Yo shop, you will still enjoy it, kid free!

At a concert last week

#2 Treat Your Kid Like You'd Want to be Treated After a Stressful Day at Work
If you read last week's blog post, you already know that Duckie is an awesome kid.  The high energy level, and on-going commentary that make for hilarious scenarios at home, don't play so well in school.  My Duckie was made for summer camp, not a classroom.  So she's pretty much always in trouble at school.  And the part of her personality that lets negativity roll off of her, is the same part that causes her to smile at teachers while they are attempting to discipline her.  Take a moment and picture that scene.  You can imagine her teachers pulling their hair out.  So we try and work with the school and teachers to figure out ways to create consequences for her actions.  Sometimes they work for a while.  Most times they don't.  She's not made for sitting still, its just not a thing she can do.  And when forced to do it, she lashes out in other ways.

So I was at my wits end, because her school and home behaviors were equally frustrating for a couple of weeks. This meant she was always in the middle of or coming out of a consequence.  I called my Frousin (friend cousin) for her expert advice (she works in education).  Instead she gave me real life advice.  "If you worked at a job you hated, would you want to come home to be punished for how you performed at that job?"  I needed a Staples red button so I could press it and hear, "That was easy!"  I immediately removed consequences for school that were applied at home.

The old rules still apply, if she doesn't do her school work at home, she'd have to do that at home.  But otherwise, if she has a bad day at school, she can still have a great day at home.  She's not struggling academically, she can be completely disruptive and still get every question correct on her homework or a test (sorry parents of the kids who can't learn because Duckie is partying).  So why was I adding more stress to her day.  Now we have many more good days. Days were she tries harder both at school and at home, perhaps because the pressure is off.  The school still has their rewards plan to keep on track there.  It may or may not work. But at least here, at Casa Nilsen, we can just put our feet up after a hard days (school) work.

Happy Kid and Happy Parents = Successful School Project

So get talking and get listening. There's lots of good advice and experiences to be shared.  For example in the comments box below :-)

Well, I gotta go.  Gotta get Duckie's after school bubble bath ready. Ha! --- BMK

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The only, not lonely, child

If you have met Duckie then you know she's unique.  She jumps out of the bed in the morning smiling and rearing to go.  As soon as she could talk, she would ask where are we going today.  She's never met a person she didn't like (or caught on to someone not liking her) and she's never shies away from an adventure.
She is fearless, a natural athlete and all around the most amazing person I know.

But I'm her mom, so I'm supposed to think she's the bee's knees.  Obviously I do.  But I also think she is extremely fortunate to have this personality and be an only child.  Most people have finally stopped asking us when we plan on having another child.  If you were just thinking of asking, the answer is a day after never.  After reading the above description of my glorious child you might wonder why.  Well I'm gonna tell you:

#1 Don't temp fate.  Every child is different and the easy baby that Duckie was is clearly a set up for baby #2 to never sleep and scream all day.  (its just statistics, people)

#2 Energy (or lack there of).  I'm no spring chicken (what's that? you say I don't look a day over 21?  thanks)  I strongly believe biology wants us to have children young so we can run around and entertain them all damn day.  Finances want us to wait until later to have kids so we can provide for them as much as we'd like.  But really if you wait for the money, you need to wait to be able to afford a nanny too.  I don't have a nanny.  I have a kid who I just said jumps up out of bed smiling every morning and she keeps it going all day.  Stop thinking about Leave it to Beaver and start thinking about if you really wanted to wake up that early!!!  Last thing I need is another kid to come between me and my pillow.

Duckie alone in the snow

#3 Three is the magic number - selfishly we just really like our three-some.  Me, Hubby and Duckie.  We role together as a squad.  We like buying 3 plane tickets and not 4.  I like cooking and having left overs.  Mostly I like not listening to two children bicker (well except when Duckie and Hubby get into it, they bigger like peers - ha!).

#4 She's just plenty - But seriously she is just enough. That's it.  All of our parenting needs are met by Duckie.  And since she has the personality that causes her to excel at only-childom she has no complaints.

She does however have loads of funny things to say, so here's a sample of this week's gems (all should be read imagining a sparkly, wide-eyed and excited 6 year old speaking.):

Summer Camp
Me: So I was thinking of maybe trying sleep away summer camp this year.
Duckie: Wait, what?  A camp where you can sleep!!!
Me: Yes, just like your day camp at the lake.  All the same activities, but then you have a cabin and you get to sleep with the other campers at night.
Duckie: What?! I get to sleep at the camp!!! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
Me:  But you won't see mommy and daddy and its for two weeks.
Duckie:  Why only two weeks?
Me: Um.... Don't you think you might miss us?
Duckie:  Can I stay all summer?

Summer Camp and then some
Earlier in the week she heard me explaining to Hubby that I didn't think a girls only camp would be right for her.
Duckie:  But wait, at least at a girls camp they might answer my questions and tell us about private parts.
Me: (sigh) What do you want to know about your private parts? Mommy and Daddy can tell u anything u want to know. 
Duckie: Important things!  Like how when the food goes in it comes out as pee. 
Me & Hubby: (relieved) proceed to explain the digestive system. I start showing Google images of the intestines. She has lots of poop questions. As we wrap up ...
Duckie: Great now show me the pictures of the penis!

Ummm hmmm.  One and done.  

Gotta go.  Gotta store up energy for when Duckie gets home for school. Talk soon ... -BMK

How to Chase Away the Winter Blues?

Its President’s Day weekend and I’m not going anywhere!! I am really angry about this. I just can’t show it because my winter blues prevent me from expressing true feelings.  My emotions are frozen. 

I was trying to pull off a trip to the Ice Palace at Quebec City’s Winter Festival.  That plan fell through. Then I was hoping to book a ski weekend.  That fell through.  And while I could offer you many reasons why each plan failed, the truth is they failed because those destinations are cold.  I would love to go skiing in August.  When I’m dying from the heat wave, it would be a great time to hop a flight to a cold mountain top.  But the idea of planning to go somewhere to be colder than I am right now is unfathomable.  So I’m here at home for this extra-long weekend.

There is one exception to this cold crankiness (which is definitely due to aging).  The last two times we traveled on President’s day weekend and Valentine’s Day it was for the winter Olympics.  And both times (Vancouver, Canada and Sochi, Russia) we experienced spring like weather.  And I can’t wait for the summer Olympics to be over so I can start planning for the next winter Olympics.  But in the meantime, I have got to find a way to move past the winter blues.

Duckie has the full blown travel bug now.  She has a huge coin jar which she is using to save for a Disney Cruise (she’s never been on one).  She has a long term plan to go to Australia before she turns 11.  And as of yesterday she was asking if we could start packing for spring break, destination unknown.

Tops on her list are a return trip to New Orleans.  She’d rather than do that, than go to Florida and spend her days on the beach and in the pool.  And I get it.  We do cities really well.  We are the family that gets up eats and then gets to walking from site to site and restaurant to restaurant.  Duckie is the Mayor of any town she is in.  So she loves to get out there and shake some hands and kiss some babies.  Plus her education is really getting in the way of her travel schedule.  She'd much prefer exploring a new or familiar destination to being confined to a classroom.  And I concur. 

 

Duckie even finds the lamppost in New Orleans exciting

I’ve already given in to her request to go to “Obama’s House,” otherwise known as the White House and the US Capital building.  She doesn’t remember her previous visit where she sang ring around the rosy, loudly, through every room on the tour. So we’ll head to DC at the end of spring break (If you’d like to book a tour just contact your congressman or senator.  They will submit the request on your behalf.  Best to plan at least 6 weeks in advance, 3 months is even better)

But, I’ve got to come to terms with the weather. I can go somewhere that does not include guaranteed sunshine, heat and defrosting.  I’ve considered doing a 4 night cruise, just me and Duckie.  I’ve looked at Caribbean destinations, but the cost of going there in peak season is tantamount to burning cash.  I even temporarily lost my mind and priced out Disney. So it’s quite likely that she’ll her way and we’ll start in New Orleans and end in DC.  Stay tuned.

I gotta go, winter calls ... talk soon.

--BMK

The New Stranger Danger

Antoine Dobson famously told us to:

And while his lesson in stranger danger wasn't quite ready for Sesame Street.  The recent awful story of 13 year old Nicole Lovell's abduction and murder in Virgina, brings to the forefront the reality that kids hiding in their room on the cell phone may be just the recipe for some predators.

My Duckie is only 6 years old.  But I was happy to get her the new Kindle Fire which, unlike her old one, allows me to monitor her activity and set limits on the times of day and amount of time she can use the device.  In addition, I must approve every app before she can use it.    Although I'd love for her to Skype freely with her relatives, I'm not giving her access to that app, because I know how many weirdos have reacheed out to me via Skype.  But she's not a teenager, so its a lot easier for me to stay on top of things.

Nicole Lovell was in a Facebook Group called teens dating and flirting.  And before we are too quick to say, I would never let my kid do that, check out the Today Show segment that reveals just some of the apps that allow predators and bullies to pray on our kids.  

The segment focuses on a few of the popular apps about which we parents should be concerned:

Kik - kids/teens don't need a phone number or email address to use this app.  They just create a user name.  This means anyone can contact them and don't need to know their phone number or email address to do so. In other words this app is a no no.

Yik Yak - everyone posts anonymously and the phones GPS makes the post available to anyone within a certain radius.  (I fail to see how this is a helpful tool, for anyone but predators.) So that's a heck no.

AskFM- this is a Q&A forum has been cited as a playground for bullying.  If you kid/teen uses this app they can adjsut settings to block anonymous users. But teens asking teens for advice is a dangerous prospect to begin with (think back to the great advice you received in high school)

Whisper - this is a confessional app (aka a bad idea).  Its supposed to be for users 17 and older (sure, right!)  It exposes the location of the user.

And just when you think you have figured it all out, made sure none of these apps are on your kids phone, Silicon Valley introduces the Best Secret Folder app.  Its sole purpose is to hide content from parents.  Ok fine, maybe its sole purpose is to hide content.  But only teens and cheating spouses need to hide content so .... Anyway, if there is an app, a password or files your kid does not want you to see, he/she can hide it by using the Best Secret Folder.

So the big advice:  When I grew up it was all about stranger danger.  I remember candlelight vigils for missing kids and constant reminders not to talk to strangers; not to get into a car with a stranger; passwords to know if someone was really a friend of the family.  It was all very scary, but in comparison very low-tech.  Nicole Lovell snuck out of her window and into the arms of her predator thanks to technology.

Ay Caramba!  You parents need to figure this crap out.  Because, the clock is ticking and my Duckie is growing fast.  I'll be looking to you for advice when my time comes.

BMK's got things to do ... I gotta go... thanks for reading ... talk soon

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