I Know You Don’t Want to Talk About This Anymore Than I Do …

There are some topics I’m happy to discuss and read about, child sexual abuse is not one of those topics.  In fact, when I received an email from my local YMCA this week on the topic, I didn’t want to read it.  My first reaction was to quickly delete, since it wasn’t announcing any special events or programs in which I wanted to partake.  The email was acknowledging the Y’s participation in Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month and its commitment to making sure its staff are safe for our children.

I did close the email.  And then I forced myself to open it and read it, carefully.  My initial reaction surprised me.  I’ve read plenty of articles about how to talk to children about protecting their bodies and privacy.  I’ve gone back and forth with using the real terms for discussions of private parts and for using more cutesie terms.  Mostly, I’ve made sure to have the conversations with Duckie about what is not OK for someone to do to her. 

But as I clicked through to the link for the organization Darkness to Light, it was clear that the person I haven’t been talking to is me.  The site makes its crystal clear that as an adult society we are comfortable arming our kids with information and trusting that they will A: defend themselves and/or B: tell us when there is a problem.  So in a nutshell we are saying it’s up to them to prevent and report. 

But statics show the likelihood of this happening, especially the reporting is very very low.  Something I should know, because I certainly never spoke up.  I was around the same age as Duckie is now.  And a teenage neighbor shamed me into not saying anything and into continuing to participate.  I have no idea how long it when on.  In fact, for years after deciding not to say anything, I pretty much forgot about.  He moved away and I didn’t have to deal.  I didn’t have to make up excuses to avoid him and his family.  So I chose to get rid of the shame by getting rid of the memory.  But shortly before I got married, I saw a film on the topic and it opened the memory flood gate.  Still I kept quiet.  I’ve only really discussed it with my husband, in relation to how to protect our daughter.

And by no means did I ever intend to share it here.  But if you are gonna talk the talk, you’ve gotta walk the walk, right?  So I set about learning what I’m sure my family didn’t know all those years ago.  Here are some excerpts from Darkness to Light’s website and brochures:

It's unrealistic to expect a six- year-old to fend off sexual advances from an adult relative. Children often cannot recognize sexual advances for what they are, and have been taught to “mind” adults who are authority figures.

1 in 10 children are abused, which means it’s likely we all know a child who is being abused.

Youth are 2.5 times more likely than adults to be raped. 40 % of victims are age 11 and younger.

Most child victims never report abuse.

90% of child victims are abused by someone they know.  40% are abused by an older/larger youth (like babysitters or cousins).

Eliminate/reduce one-on-one situations between your child and another adult or older youth.

Ensure the programs in which your child participates have anti-isolation policies and background checks. 

Listen and ask only opened ended questions when a child discloses to you and always report it to the police or anonymous child abuse hotline.

The abuser may try to confuse the child about right and wrong, or may try to shame them.

Explain to children that secrets are harmful and that if someone asks them to keep one, they should tell you.

Tell children it’s not okay for adults or older youth to use sexual language with them.

And most importantly have an on-going conversation with your kids about sexual abuse and when age appropriate about sex (probably younger than you think).

Darkness to Light 1in 10 video 

The YMCA also offers a helpful tip in their brochure on child sexual abuse:

Listen and watch for signs of your child receiving special attention that other children or teens are not receiving, including favors, treats, gifts, rides, increasing affection or time alone, particularly outside the activities of school, child care, or other activities.

It’s clear to me that I have a lot more work to do in my conversations with Duckie and in my own vigilance.  I don’t want her to live in fear.  And, I don’t want her to give up her sparkling, friendly personality.  So the onus is on me to protect her and all the children in our lives.

Well, that’s all for today.  Very somber but very important.  No room for jokes.  This topic triggers my flight response.  But luckily, I’m on a flight to sunny Florida right now. That means my next post is bound to be much happier.  Cellphones off, tray tables up! -BMK

Resources

Darkness to Light

http://www.d2l.org/

Prevent Child Abuse – New Jersey

1-800-CHILDREN (1-800-244-5373)

www.PreventchildabuseNJ.org

Stop It Now

1-888-Prevent (1-888-773-8368)

www.stopitnow.org

Child Help USA

1-800-422-4453

www.childhelpusa.org

The National Children’s Advocacy Center

256-533-0531

www.nationalcac.org

The Association for Treatment of Sexual Abusers

503-643-1023

www.atsa.org